Happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day

Arrrrh! Ya knows that guy and thats girl who made ye prom court that didn’t have no business bein’ dar? Yet, everyone got behind ‘em and erupted when they were announced. Half the crowd was cheerin’ in sorta a mockin’ ways while da utter half be sincere in they celebration. That’s how I see International Talk Like a Pirate Day. It be the misfit couple on prom court of holidays…

For those of you who just think I’m swashbucklin ya, here’s a little more info about her. It’s legit all right. It began in 1995 on a racquetball court na less, and has quickly gained notoriety via the world’s biggest gossip queen, the internets.

Of course, the mateys didn’t just stop at merely talkin’ likes a pirate. Oh no. I compiled a collection of all sorts of links for all your pirate cravin’ needs:

  • You might ask yourself, who was the Bill Gates of pirates? Well, Samuel “Black Sam” Bellamy of course. He grossed an estimated $120 million durin’ his run, however, depletion of his gold and silver due to rum and wenches was not assessed. Here be the complete Forbes list of pirates.
  • Now that I’ve gotten ya interested, here is a pirate encyclopedia for all of your pirate information needs.
  • Wanna be a pirate yet? Well ya can’t be a pirate without a proper pirate name, now can ye? Here is the pirate name generator tool to do just that.
  • Now time for some pirate singin…here’s a funny video of the pirates who don’t do anything.
  • And did the pirates really say “Arrrrh!” and “Matey!” all the time? Did they make people walk the plank? Find da truths behind 9 famous pirate myths.
  • And what kind of internet spread holiday would be complete without hot babes? Here be da hottest pirate babes to ever grace the seven seas.

Arrrrh…me’s about pirated out. I’ll leave ya with the official website so the internets can do its thing and keep the holiday spirit carryin on through the years. But avast…me’s out.

“Um, I have a boyfriend!”

There’s a girl sitting just ahead at a park bench, waiting on a bus. You too, need to catch the bus, and decide that if you are going to wait, you might as well make small talk. You don’t sit too closely because it’s just awkward when a stranger invades your personal invisible bubble. You (by the way, assume you are a guy if you’re not) strike up the following conversation:

You: “The bus is running a little late, today, huh?”

Girl: “Yeah…and I need to meet up with my boyfriend…I don’t want to be late.”

You: “This bus is usually on time, I don’t know what the holdup could be.”

Girl: “Well, my boyfriend is a very important business man and has a lot of connections in the city, he would probably know.”

You: “Oh, that’s nice. Well at least we’ve got a great day outside to wait. It’s probably the nicest day of the season!”

Girl: “Yeah, my boyfriend and I are going to go out and enjoy it as soon as I see him.”

You: “I’M NOT HITTING ON YOU, YOU ARROGANT BITCH! STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR STUPID ASS BOYFRIEND! JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE WEARING A LOW CUT SHIRT AND PARIS HILTON SUNGLASSES DOESN’T MAKE YOU GOD’S GIFT TO MEN! YOU’RE NOT EVEN THAT CUTE, AND YOUR TEETH ARE ALL FUCKED UP TOO!”

Your last comment, of course, is what you only wish you could say. Catch me in the right mood and maybe one day, I’ll let this remark fly. It just infuriates me when a girl, who you could honestly not even be hitting on at all, feels it necessary to discuss the fact she has a boyfriend repetitively.

I found this video that addresses the situation and it provoked this entry. It’s also British humor, and I must confess, I have a soft spot for British humor. The other day, I read the following line from a book written by someone from across the pond: “Sacrificing goats for religious purposes is a waste of time and goats.” Not really related to this particular entry, but I just thought I’d share clever humor. Every once in a while I take a ride of my steed, Tangent.

Roll clip:


She Has A Boyfriend – Watch more free videos

South Park Motivation

I’m faced with the tough decision of what I’m going to do when I leave here in 2 months. I’ve asked for advice from everyone I know, each who gives me a different response. Some point me towards my inner soul for guidance…others, Jesus. But it was some boys from South Park that really made my decision a lot easier. They answered my question with a simple…”What would Brian Boitano do?”

I see a lot of bad things daily…and I ask myself why? Some people place blame on God…but through the enlightened minds of the creators of South Park, I’ve learned the true perpetrator in all things evil. From now on, I place blame on Canada for all the horrible things in this world. I know Robin Williams does.

Got someone you don’t like? Is she female? Here’s South Park’s way of dealing with that special woman who is just a miserable human being. You can replace, “Kyle’s Mom” with whomever you’d like, and belt this song in the shower. It’ll make you feel better.

Black people love me

All black people love me. I may be white, but I can relate quite well. Here are a few examples:

Every time I meet a new black person, I change my accent to match theirs. Also incorporating common black slang such as, “fo shizzle,” “fly,” and “shiiiiiii” makes me sound like they do. I also try to throw in Ebonic grammar such as substituting the word “be” for “is” and this helps them like me more.

Anytime I walk by a really scary black guy who I think might want to mug me, I walk in a really tough way and avoid eye contact. I do this not to intimidate him, but to give the image that I, too, could bust a cap. And everyone knows there’s nothing worse than black on black crime.

When I see a black person in the medical field, I ask them if they went to Howard. They all are genuinely impressed when I guess what school they attended. I also express how happy I am that there exists a university that promotes the medical education of African Americans as much as Howard.

Whenever I talk to a black guy who has a pretty black girlfriend (usually lighter skinned with blond hair highlights) I tell them how dope their boo looks. I also tell them, “I’d hit her” and that, “it’s all pink on the inside.” This really shows the unification of man, and makes them like me a lot.

When I talk to an older black patient who probably didn’t go to school, I don’t use any words that are over two syllables. This puts the communication on a level they can easily understand, and for this, they appreciate me.

So as you can tell, I see no color. But when I do, black people really appreciate the fact that I don’t treat them as being different. I have two friends, Johnnie and Sally, that started a website on the same subject. I sort of played off their lead in this blog entry, but black people love them too. You can see their entire site dedicated to this fact at: http://www.blackpeopleloveus.com.

One.

Japanese vs French Human Tetris

First I present the Japanese version. As is most Japanese hilarity, it is presented in the form of a game show. I really think game shows must make up 90% of all Japanese TV. It’s hard not to love Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, Ninja Warrior…and Human Tetris:

Now I give to you the French version which is far from a game show. It’s not funny, but still equally as creative. It just goes to show France is useful even though it has no sense of humor.

Bored?

I’m not. I’m busy as hell. I gots Jay Oh Bee’s ta gets! Really though, I’ve been trying to get my resume, CV, and cover letter together for my ASHP trip to Las Vegas. Hopefully, I’ll actually get a job so that I won’t become one of those guys who graduates, but doesn’t get a job, or move and can be seen randomly throughout the day in the school cafeteria. Everybody have a few of those in high school.

Anyway, amidst my busy schedule, I really don’t have time to sit down write anything very humorous. So, kids…what do you do when you don’t have time to do a job right? Copy someone else’s work, of course. It just makes sense. I’ve compiled a few links that will keep you busy for a little bit. Enjoy:

    Face Recognition Program – This site matches your face with a celebrity’s. It says I have a 74% match with Peter Gallagher. Yeah I didn’t know who he was either, but he’s the bad guy in Mr. Deeds and the shady Real Estate Dealer in American Beauty. The site seems pretty legit, but it also says I have a 62% match with Jessica Simpson…so who knows…

Ok, that should keep you busy for a little while. Wish me luck in Vegas…and not just at the tables.

Sorry, I Can’t Post Anymore…We Writers are on Strike…

Then again, I guess it’s hard to be on strike when you don’t write for money. I might as well keep writing. The writers that do work for money, though, want more money. And they have escalated their fight to the most honorable and distinguished way of getting what you want…holding signs in front of a building.

Think about it. This is the equivalent of a rotten little kid holding his breath until his mom buys the Hulk Hogan action figure that he so disparately needs. I’m not defending either side in the matter. In fact, I would probably go with the writers, because it does seem like “the man” has been screwing them for a long time. But picketing? Really? Really? …..Really? (Thats from the “Really?” segment of Saturday Night Live, a skit written by writers who are on strike)

Anyway…the main reason I posted this was because the picket signs are hilarious. Perhaps, the best picket signs I’ve ever seen. Makes sense, because these guys are…well, writers on strike. Although I don’t support standing in the freezing cold holding cardboard signs, I fully endorse a strike writer’s sign. Simply brilliant.

I think I looked at it for 4 minutes and 32 seconds. (Sorry, that’s another obscure reference, but I don’t feel like explaining. For those of you who get it, cheers.) I was going to write more, but I’m getting a sudden case of writer’s block. Writer’s block is…