Oral Sex, a Knife Fight, and Super Sperm

Sorry for the picture, but if they can show it on the Discovery Channel, I say it’s ok for Blogosis.

Now that image is in your head, picture this scene:

15 year old African tribal girl has no vagina. No uterus either. We’ll call her Jane.

Jane has a boyfriend. How cute. We’ll call him Fred.

Jane gives head to a guy…who is not her boyfriend. His name is George.

Immediately after the BJ, Fred walks in and catches Jane cheating.

Fred gets mad and gets into a knife fight with George.

In the struggle, Jane accidentally gets stabbed into the belly.

George’s sperm falls out of Jane’s stomach gash and into her abdominal cavity.

And seeps into her fallopian tubes.

And fertilizes an egg.

Jane goes to hospital 9 months later and delivers a healthy baby boy via C-Section.

The end.

The fuck? Yeah this is a true story. ABC News earned its best headline ever. You can make that up. If you did, people would think…well…that you made it up.

The odds this exact chain of events goes down is beyond ridiculous. The time frame between swallowing the load and being stabbed in the gut would have had to be just minutes because the acidic stomach would have chewed up the sperm who can only really thrive in basic environments. This is like winning the lottery…three times. Only the opposite when it comes to quality the reward. Couple that with the whole no vagina thing and you’ve got a damn near paradox. By the way, the no vagina disease is called Müllerian agenesis or Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser Syndrome if you prefer the more selfish version. A shockingly high, 1 in 5000 women have it.

Talk about a pissed off George though. Dude is thinking he’s all sly by getting with his buddy’s girlfriend and the crazy bitch gets knocked up in a way his mom and dad told him wasn’t possible. Now he’s locked in for 18 years paying a child support of 20 roots, 10 berries, and an elephant hide a month.

That’ll teach him to watch his knife when he gets into fights immediately following a sexual encounter.

Whatchoo Talkin’ ‘Bout?

Blogosis doesn’t usually tap into the celebrity gossip world, but I couldn’t resist posting this incredible mug shot. Gary Coleman was arrested for domestic abuse charges in his Utah home the other day. Dude’s 41 years old and married to a 23 year old crazy bitch woman who was arrested her self back in the summer for destroying their home.

I really hesitate to even add commentary to this story because it’s hilarious in and of itself. Plus, it helps to be able to post wedding pictures like this one:

It’s hard for me to feel sorry for Gary Coleman, though. Sure he is the prototypical butt to all jokes celebrity, and his catch phrase has been abused far worse than his wife probably was. Oh, and he’s also 4 feet 8 inches. But he’s made a good bit of money being this cartoon character of a person as well as finding someone half his age willing to bang him. All this because he landed a child acting job a long time ago before he stopped growing. Without that, he’d just be a black midget in Utah…and it’s hard to be more screwed over than that.

Blue Beer

As I was strolling through my daily assessment of Japanese commercials, I ran across this little gem made in a microbrewery in Northern Japan. It’s called Okhotsk Blue and is beer…that’s blue. It’s not food colored beer either, like the green delicacy that you can find on St. Patrick’s day in bars across the US. The water is gathered from iceburgs that float up onto the beaches, and the blue comes from seaweed. Yeah I didn’t know there was blue seaweed either, but that’s why I watch Japanese commercials every morning. My brain is a wrinkle whore when it comes to stuff like that.

Oh, and maybe the best part: it says “Draft” on the bottle.

New Haircut Place

I have recently bought a house (ok, so it’s a townhouse/condo, but it’s annoying to have to refer to it this way, so I say house. Deal.) recently in a different part of Phoenix than I lived before. Some of the most glaring challenges include figuring out mortgages, insurances, taxes, more insurances, and other taxes, and then another form of insurance. Sometimes I wish I was a dad so I would automatically understand all of this stuff, as it seems all fathers do, but alas, no mini-bloggers yet.

The other issue that comes with relocation is finding that perfect barber shop. I tried a new one today, keeping in mind proper barber shop etiquette. I walked in and was immediately seated by a Mexican-American guy in a chair with a couple indiscernible stains.

No problem. The guy at least appeared fairly coordinated unlike his female counterpart who appeared quite a bit fobbier.

I told him how I wanted my hair done. It is what I’ve told a countless number of barbers who all seemed to understand it perfectly. “Can I get a two-guard up to here, blend with a 3, and just cut normal on top.”

His response: “Ok, so you want a mohawk?”

WTF? “Wait. What? No. Just cut it proportional.” Realizing he probably didn’t know the definition of proportional, I clarified, “Cut the same amount off the top as you did on the sides.”

As confident as ever, he replied, “Ok, so you want the same length all over.”

WTF? “Wait, What? No.” I really didn’t know how to describe it any clearer. “Just make everything shorter.” I guess that worked, I don’t know. He started cutting.

A couple minutes into the cutting, he says, “So where you from?” Phoenix must be one of the few cities in the country where people start off every conversation with “Where are you from?” But it never fails, I would say only about 5% of people say Phoenix.

“Kentucky. I moved out here about a year go.”

He continued, “So you have a wife? Any family out here?”

“Nope, just me.”

He kind of looked at me funny. “Well that must be boring. No family or relatives out here.”

WTF? “Wait. What? No. I’ve got friends and stuff.” Hell, even if my family lived out here, I probably wouldn’t hang out with them on a daily basis.

It was about this time he had laid down the trimmers and reached the scissor part of the haircut. With the comb positioned where he wanted it, he then proceeded to cut my hair in a way I have never seen. The best way I can describe it is that the scissors looked like a shark in the middle of a school of tiny fish chomping away and whatever he could sink his teeth into. It was fast, furious, and seemingly without regard to surroundings. You also liken it to a solo game of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

This game was fun as hell

Surprisingly, in the end, he didn’t do too bad of a job. However, the whole experience is going to make me reconsider going back in there. I’m just glad I’m not butchered for Wedding-O-Century. Chicago tomorrow.

Music with Windows’ Error Sounds

In contrast to me, this guy has way too much time on his hands. Ironically, we both spend our time on the computer, and listen to the beeps and clicks of windows sounds all day. I’ve become immune to the noises, but he chose to do something creative with them. I do SOAP notes and drug information questions all day, and he frantically looks for something to bide his time. I needed a break and thus, polarities combined today to give you this:

90 Day Jane

90 Day Jane is the car wreck of blogs. The 4 semi trucks colliding at intersection going 75 MPH a piece wreck. It’s awful, but I can’t keep my eyes off it.

Here’s the basic rundown: Jane is going to kill herself in 90 days. It’s at 83 now, actually. She is a fairly young emo-looking chick who I would presume wears a lot of black. She is not crying for help, has set a date, and now with a finite lifespan, she wants to see how she will live and is going to document the whole thing.

She’s going to continue to goto work, being social, and living a normal life. Hell, she even has a date for Valentine’s Day…something I sure don’t have. She’s drawing quite a bit of attention and, of course, the big question is whether or not she’s going to go through with it. Most people who make comments are calling her bluff…one even going as far as making her a photo claiming she’s an ‘attention whore.’

I, on the other hand, actually kind of believe her. I’m not sure how, or why…but she seems so genuine. She has received offers for interviews, and declined. She talks about the emails she receives, and laughs about people’s pathetic attempts for “help” her. She seems as serious as a heart attack, no pun intended.

In a very screwed up way, I’m kind of rooting for her. I don’t know what that means. Maybe I actually want her to do it, so her ghost can say, “I told you so!” Maybe I want it to be a very elaborate hoax and one gigantic test on human behavior. I’m not sure…but I’m rooting for her, whatever her motive.

It’s going to be hard to really tell how it all unfolds at the end of 90 days. Maybe she’ll just stop posting and no one will ever know if she killed herself or not…sort of give you a Sopranos type ending. Maybe she’ll have a ‘friend’ post a scanned copy of her death certificate. I used to think committing suicide was the most selfish act a man could do…but doing it in this way almost turns the table. I don’t know how it will all end…but I intend to read and find out.

Maybe you should peel back that slightly morbid section of your heart and read too…

I’ll leave that up to you.

UPDATE: It was a social “art” experiment after all. Too bad, it couldn’t fully play out because so many people freaked out. Oh well…still kind of interesting.

Vanity plate sells for $6,750,000

TMMS. Too Much Money Syndrome. Gamblers from Vegas are often victims to this disease characterized by ridiculous purchases with funny money. Seems like people in the Middle East are afflicted as well.

I thought Virginia residents were bad. In the Middle East, however, there is a competition going on lately about who can have the lowest number on their license plate…a sign of who can piss the furthest. Oil diggers in funny robes throw millions down to get low numbers, and most recently the number 5 went for nearly $7 million bucks.

The same guy can’t wait for “1″ to go up for auction, but says he won’t pay more than $20 million for it. I wouldn’t pay more than $20 for it. The auction isn’t all narcissistic and ego competitive though, as a large part of the money goes towards victims of car crashes.

This is a trend that might very well start up in America soon, so I think when I move, I’m going to see what the lowest number the DMV has available and try to snatch it up. Then when, the some rich oil rigger with a fairway rough mustache comes along, I’ll simply sell him the rights for millions and go make insane purchases myself.

Here’s the CNN video:

Best unofficial music video ever

I know a lot of you don’t like my video posts, but you gotta check this one out. It’s incredible. Kanye West, who? He ripped that shit off Daft Punk! This is not the official music video of the song, but it should be. Absolutely incredible. I think it’s the robot masks.

Japanese vs French Human Tetris

First I present the Japanese version. As is most Japanese hilarity, it is presented in the form of a game show. I really think game shows must make up 90% of all Japanese TV. It’s hard not to love Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, Ninja Warrior…and Human Tetris:

Now I give to you the French version which is far from a game show. It’s not funny, but still equally as creative. It just goes to show France is useful even though it has no sense of humor.