There are no trees in Arizona. I take that back. There are very few trees in Arizona. So the few trees that do exist must make home to all the birds in the Valley, which are in no less number than anywhere else in the country. This leads to an overpopulation of birds in trees, and thus, an overwhelming amount of bird shit under them. Ultimately, this leads to shit-covered cars for any dumb ass who parks under these bird sanctuaries…like me.
I came back from an 11+ hour shift one morning to find my car drenched in every type of shit imaginable. White shit. Black shit. Green shit. Clumpy shit. Diarrhea shit. Post-Taco Bell shit. The works. I’m surprised I recognized the thing. So after the obligatory few days of procrastination, I made my way to the car wash today to remedy my shitty situation. (ba dah, ching)
A brief Google Maps search led me to the nearest car wash and after finally figuring out where I was supposed to go, (which by the way, car washes rival new shopping plazas as the most confusing small areas to navigate) I was greeted by a man who I presumed would ask what type of wash I would like. Instead, his first words to me were the title of this post, “No guarantee the bird poop will come off.”
At this point two things went through my head. The first was, “What? No, ‘hello, how are you?’?” And the second was the famous Adam Sandler line, “He called the shit, poop!” I was only able to get out an obviously confused, “Really?”
He continued, “Yep, I can’t guarantee all the bird poop will come off. See, that’s a lot of bird poop, and we don’t actually ‘wash your car.’” Yes, he used air quotes. At this point I did two things. I quickly scanned the immediate perimeter for a candid camera, and made sure I pulled into a car wash, and not a bowling alley or Asian massage parlor. Sure enough, no camera or microphones, and the car wash sign was fairly large and glooming. He continued to explain, “See, we just run your car though the machine and hand dry it. We don’t hand wash it. We don’t touch bird poop because it messes up too many towels…so I can’t guarantee the machine will get all the bird poop off. That going to be okay?”
I really wanted him to stop calling the shit, poop. However, being the gambler than I am, I agreed to the man’s terms and paid the $8.99 for outside wash, windows cleaning, and inside vacuum. Once they completed the job, I inspected the hood of my car, which was the birds’ primary toilet. To put an end to your suspense, the machine got about 97% of the shit off. That’s pretty impressive for the the large disclaimer I received pre-wash. I considered cleaning the remaining residue with a towel, but, like the car wash man, I really didn’t want to ruin any of my towels.
I’ll just wait until the next time it rains really hard. We’ll see how the desert and my car port corporate with that plan.