The Rapture Match

It’s almost been a week since the world was predicted to end, and we’re still here. It wasn’t just a calculation of when a big meteor would smash into Earth…you know…something we can prove. It was supposed to be the time when supernatural beings would plunge down from the sky on horses, raise the dead Christians from the graves, followed by the living Christians, and fly them to heaven. That’s when it would be safe for God to torture and kill every other human being in graphic and hideous ways. Of course, that might be a welcome change to oppressed women in the Middle East or starving children in third world countries.

Now lets forget the absolute absurdity of the literal Biblical account of the end of days and focus on the fact that way too many people put their trust in this guy, Harold Camping, who predicted this specific date and time.

Look at the picture above. The billboard has a sticker that “The Bible Guarantees It!” Well then it must be true. I know the guy on the right of the billboard believes it…he’s shitting his pants! I got a mass email from a coworker spreading this propaganda, and it really hit me how many people were actually duped into believing this nonsense.

Let me tell you what really happened.

Reports out of heaven are that the rapture was indeed planning to go down, but things changed when Macho Man Randy Savage got to heaven just a few days prior. In a never-before-seen Rapture match, The Macho Man faced off against Jesus El Savior Christ in the squared circle. If Macho Man won, the Earth would be left unharmed, but if El Savior won, he would get his way and the roughly 6 billion non-Christians on Earth would perish and suffer for all eternity.

The match went back and forth for a long time until Macho Man was able to drop a top-rope elbow across the throat of Jesus. Everyone thought the match was over, but dare I say, miraculously, Jesus kicked out. That’s when things got out of control.

The late Miss Elizabeth, Savage’s former manager, got into the ring and distracted the referee. Then Chris Benoit, Owen Hart, Andre the Giant, Eddie Guerrero, Bam Bam Bigelow, The British Bulldog, Mr. Perfect, Big Boss Man, Test, Road Warrior Hawk, Yokozuna, The Junkyard Dog, and a host of other deceased wrestlers came to the Macho Man’s aid and unloaded a flurry of finishing moves on Christ. There wasn’t enough miracle juice left in tank. When the ring cleared, Miss Elizabeth jumped down. The referee then counted as the Macho Man covered Jesus for an easy 1-2-3!

Despite the interference, God had no choice but to call off the rapture. But fear not, divine wrestling fans. The master promoter Harold Camping has set a rematch for October 21st, 2011, the revised date for the rapture. That will give Christ six months of intense training to hopefully overcome any obstacle the Macho Man and the hoard of other dead wrestlers have up their sleeves. It’ll be a match made in heaven.

It’s hard to say how much promotion the new date will get, as several hardcore Christians emptied their life savings into promoting May 21st. Sorry, dudes, they already got your money. And there are no refunds.

I’ll tell you where I’m putting my money on October 21st. I’m putting it on the Macho Man! OHHHHH YEEEAAAAHHHH!

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